Another Look Into The CBS Vault

, , 98 Comments


YOU KNOW, I AM ALWAYS LOOKING TO
— I’M SO HAPPY TO BE A PART OF CBS. THE TIFFANY NETWORK NAMED
THEY HAVE EVEN OFFERED TO LET ME DECIDE WHERE THE NEXT “N.C.I.S.” WILL TAKE PLACE AND WHICH RAPPER
WILL STAR IN IT. I’M THINKING “N.C.I.S. FORT
WAYNE,” STARRING LIL WAYNE. AND ONE OF THE PERKS IS THAT WE
HAVE ACCESS TO AN ARCHIVE OF CBS ENTERTAINMENT GOING BACK
OVER 80 YEARS. I HAVE BEEN BINGE-WATCHING “FACE
THE NATION” FROM THE BEGINNING. I CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT HOW THE
VIETNAM WAR ENDS! NO SPOILERS! AND WHENEVER WE WANT, WE CAN
JUST DIP INTO THAT ARCHIVE FOR SOME FREE CONTENT. SO IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER TRIP
INTO THE CBS VAULT. TONIGHT, WE BRING YOU CBS SPORTS
FROM 1979. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(TRUMPETS BLOWING) ♪
>>IT’S A BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY HERE AT CHAMBERLAIN DOWNS! MARCH 28th, 1979, A DAY WHERE
CERTAINLY NOTHING COULD GO WRONG! HERE AT THE TRACK, THE SKIES ARE
BLUE AND THE CRISP AIR SMELLS DELIGHTFULLY OF HORSE! THE CONTENDERS HAVE TAKEN THEIR
POSITION AT THE STARTING GATES, AND THEY’RE OFF! VELVET MISSUS JUMPS TO AN EARLY
LEAD FOLLOWED BY YOU OLD DEVIL, CANTANKEROUS JONES AND GRANDPA’S
WEEPING WAR WOUNDS. OUTSIDE NIXON DREAM AND AS FAST
AS A CAR AND SOON TO BE DOG FOOD! A BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN! WHAT! CAN’T BE! JUST RECEIVED WORD THERE HAS
BEEN A MASSIVE ACCIDENT AT THE 3-MILE ISLAND NUCLEAR FACILITY
JUST OUTSIDE OF HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA, A COMPLETE NUCLEAR
MELTDOWN! MY GOD! AND AROUND THE TURN IT’S IN
ALLENTOWN BUT DON’T COUNT OUT DRUNK IRISH MESS, PEEK AT YOU,
MY DEBT WIFE AND DR. HORSE MEDICINE HORSE! I’M BEING TOLD THE FALLOUT WILL
REACH US IN NEW YORK CITY WITHIN THE HOUR! MILLIONS OF MEN, WOMEN AND
CHILDREN TRAGICALLY OBLITERATED IN A BALL OF NUCLEAR FIRE! WE’RE ALL DOOMED IS COMING
AROUND THE BEND RIGHT NOW FOLLOWED BY CHINESE DEMOCRACY,
BABY FINGERS, THREE MILE ISLAND DISASTER AND KEY! THIS IS HOW IT ENDS, MAN
DESTROYED BY HIS OWN ENGINES, MUTATED HORSES WILL SHATTERED
SHATTER ALL RECORDS. OH HUE BRINGS. MOTORCYCLE LIKE THE APPROACHING
TIDE OF DEVASTATION, H HE IS UNSTOPPABLE. NATURE’S MOTORCYCLE HAS WON THE
FINAL RACE OF THE BEFORE TIMES! TAKE HIM TO THE BUNKER! WE MUST PRESERVE THIS SPECIMEN
SO FUTURE GENERATIONS MAY ISSUE FROM HIS LOINS! THE BLOODLINE MUST BE PRESERVED
ABOVE ALL ELSE! NATURE’S MOTORCYCLE! OUR SAVIOR! OUR NEW GOD! WE WORSHIP —
(TRUMPET SOUND)

 

98 Responses

  1. Emil Haugen

    February 26, 2016 3:10 pm

    The horse in the lead at 2:28 is named "We're all doomed", and it's clearly the same horse in the lead at 2:49, only now it's name is "Nature's motorcycle". A horse cannot change its name mid-race, I looked it up. I think the tape has been tampered with.

    Reply
  2. Mike Peden

    February 26, 2016 4:18 pm

    Funny skit, but your retro graphics are inaccurate; CBS used the Helvetica font (not Futura) and a darker shade of yellow for their sports graphics in 1979.

    Reply
  3. Marc Kloosterman

    February 26, 2016 11:09 pm

    8TH BUY MICROSOFT SHARES
    9TH COLBERT WRITER
    10TH IN -JOKE
    Brian Stack wished he had bought Microsoft shares back in '79?

    Reply
  4. iglooo102

    February 26, 2016 11:42 pm

    3miles island and the Ferrari has won the F1 and the stud is coming coming coming yes…we won the lottery….the viewer needs to really concentrate otherwise….

    Reply
  5. Rick Grimes

    February 27, 2016 1:18 am

    Absurdist humor ensured that Craig Ferguson never got the job. The show's writers need to thread carefully

    Reply
  6. rjpsuh06

    February 27, 2016 2:06 am

    It's fake because the CBS Sports Spectacular intro is edited and some guy is announcing, not Dick Stockton or Brent Musburger.

    Musburger in his early days kinda sounded like Jerry Seinfeld.

    Reply
  7. Zzyzzyzzs

    February 27, 2016 2:13 am

    "Buy Microsoft Shares"? Pfft, like l'd take that sort of advice from a /horse/. I'm going all in on this visionary company called Betamax. You don't know them yet but they'll be the future, mark my words.

    Reply
  8. RaptorSquad

    February 27, 2016 4:02 am

    LEADERBOARD- RESULTS PENDING

    1ST NATURE'S MOTORCYCLE
    2ND CANTANKEROUS JONES
    3RD BABYFINGERS
    4TH CLIFFORD THE BIG RED HORSE
    5TH ILLEGAL FIREWORKS
    6TH A BOY NAMED HORSE
    7TH SHE-BUSCUIT
    8TH BUY MICROSOFT SHARES
    9TH COLBERT WRITER
    10TH IN-JOKE

    Reply
  9. gay dads bear

    February 28, 2016 3:09 am

    i use to watch bill oreilly and just pretend he was being sarcastic for entertainment up until the colbert report started. i sure do miss that character

    Reply
  10. Lemeres

    February 28, 2016 7:05 am

    I always love seeing tapes of the ascention of Nature's Motor GOD KING. Long may he reign in his eight legged glory.

    Reply
  11. l8on99

    February 28, 2016 7:23 pm

    Not really that funny a clip. I think the writers had a bad day but this was like forcing humour, and when writers do that it is way too obvious and contrived.

    Reply
  12. Death Adder

    February 28, 2016 8:14 pm

    I don't even watch basic cable anymore, how is old Stephen Colbert doing on The Late Show?

    I miss when you had Conan VS Craig in that 11:30/12:30 time slot, all of the new guys seem like unfunny dip shits, but I remember Colbert being funny on The Colbert Report.

    Reply
  13. 加賀山キヨメ

    February 29, 2016 8:46 pm

    nah nigga u gotta cast da Wells St. rapper. he always bustin dem ill rhymes bout livin wit his momma

    Reply

Leave a Reply