DIRT BIKE VS. CAR

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So what are you guys up to? Houston Motors have hooked us up with a Triton for the weekend. Hooked you guys up with a Triton? They’re keener than me. Where are you taking it? Bottom of the Maitai Valley, going to go over the Maungatapu on the bikes. Far out, you guys hear about those murders that happened up there ages ago? Yeah, four people got held up and killed didn’t they? Yeah, transporting gold by horse and cart. They moved so slowly I guess anybody could have ambushed them back in that day. Yeah, bet they wish they had a bike. Well a car would get there faster. What, a two tonne car faster than a hundred kilo bike? Yeah, there’s a road now. Yeah, but the Maungatapu goes straight to Pelorus. It’s faster. Shall we have a race then? Yeah, let’s settle it with a race then, we’ll meet you there. Well, not right now! Why not? What the hell am I going to drive? Well there’s cars everywhere, what are you talking about? I can’t just steal one! Well that’s not my problem, that’s yours! See you there. Mercedes! Alright, let’s do this! Don’t think Mercedes will mind if I nick this do they? It’s for an important cause, Kynan and Matt can not be allowed to win this thing. Little bit of bloody pep in its step though. Ow, smacked my head on the roof. Even though I was up against Wallace and Gromit, Send that. Can’t beat pissing off one of the mob. the task set against me would be no small feat, because Kynan was right, they were headed to Pelorus as the Crow flies, Whereas I was going the long way around. To win, I’d have to almost double their average speed. And whichever way you slice it, I wasn’t currently doing that. Come on, honestly, do I have to get every red light in the city? I wonder where they are? If they’re at a red light too, probably. They weren’t. Send it straight over mate. Yeah good. Ah I just don’t know what to say about this thing. It’s pretty standard isn’t it? It’s a Triton, it’s got an engine, that’s about all there is to it. It’s ten thousand dollars cheaper than the competition. But, that’s because there’s nothing else to it. Touchscreen! That’s flash. Climate control… That’s also, somewhat flash? Whilst my esteemed colleagues were saying some interesting things about their ute, I was getting to know my, acquisition. What I’ve stolen here is the new Mercedes E Class Coupe. This model here is the e200 which has a, two litre, four cylinder, turbocharged petrol engine, putting out around about 200 horsepower and, 300 newton meters of torque which isn’t a whole lot, but it’s going through a nine-speed automatic gearbox, which means, the small amount on power that you do have, you have a hundred percent of the time. It’s just, put your foot to the floor and leave it there. I was finally on the open road, where I could really cover some ground. And ten kilometers south of me, the guys had hit gravel, which would slow them right down… Or at least it would, if Matt wasn’t driving. Because he has no mechanical sympathy, whatsoever. They were miles ahead of me at this point, but thankfully, as they’re about to demonstrate. They’re also two of the most unorganized dirt bikers, in the entire world. Granddad’s Remu! Don’t undo mine too! What do you mean? Grab the Remu, mate! Grab the f****** Remu! Oh, the Remu! Mine first? Yeah mate! Ready? No. I got it. I haven’t got it! F***, who tied this on so well? What are you doing? Not paying attention. I was just loosening it off for you, mate. Oh yeah, cheers mate. Yeah! They’ll be on the Maungatapu track now, absolutely flying. I left my butt plug in my bike. Come on, yes! Come on Matt, get it going. Come on, please! It’s not a bad car for the job this, yeah it’s a bit soft and wallowy but, it’s extremely comfortable. Meanwhile they’re going to have their ears bleeding and, covered in sweat, probably crashing, some massive accident. Meanwhile I’m surrounded by leather and suede, I’ve got thirteen high definition speakers around me, and not only that but, I’m being looked after the, car is constantly monitoring me while I’m driving, checking for signs of drowsyness and, if it detects micosleeps coming, fingers crossed, we won’t have any of those, it’ll give me some sort of massive warning, audibly and visibly and, tell me to take a rest, how thoughtful is that? Go, go, go! Meanwhile. Put it in gear! It is in gear. Do it! What the f*** is wrong with this gearbox? You’re in second, come on! Try. There we are. F****** useless. I’ve got to go get my bike. Any normal riders would have been off five minutes ago. Luckily for me though, Kynan and Matt are far from normal. You f****** suck, Matt! Yus, the Camry is turning. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! I was gaining on them, fast. Let’s put it in sport plus mode, and show me what you’ve got! Thank god. But not for long, because they were finally underway. And while they were beginning the most crucial stage of their race, I was too. Alright here we are, the Whangamoas. a twisty mountain pass, only a small mountain pass but it is genuinely one of the greatest driving roads in the world. This is where we’re going to see how this girl handles, it’s the only place I can truly make up time. It’s really quite something the way it hides its, immense two tonne mass. For not really a sporty car it’s, very, very sure footed around a road like this. It’s quite something. Oh, feels so good, there’s just, so much grip! I’d had a great run up the pass, but as I crested the top, I finally hit traffic and was slowed right back down to a crawl. Kynan and Matt would have no such troubles on their route, At this point, they were absolutely flying. Past the top! So rocky and sketch! Here we are, murderers rock. That was bad news for me, granted I wasn’t going to be killed but, they had made up a lot of time. And I was still stuck it traffic. Oh what, you f***. What a wanker. What was that for? What the hell, did he just spill a whole heap of s*** on the road? What was that? Having ruined my race, motorhome wanker’s now, defecating all over the road. Things weren’t perfect in Matt and Kynan’s world either. Too much pace! Matt had blown his fork seals, and they were leaking oil onto his front brake. Which as you might have guessed, wasn’t doing it a world of favors. Another one! Scenic! Not here Matt, that’s fast! Bit of frank brake, mate! In the Mercedes, I was having no such issues. 50K zone! Woah, antilock brakes working well, I can confirm. And on top of that, I was only a couple of kilometers out from the finish line now. But having been hampered by traffic the whole way, I wasn’t exactly feeling confident. This traffic has killed me, my hopes aren’t high for this, I think they might have beat me. They certainly won’t be having these type of issues wherever they are. I was right. And worse still, they were going faster than ever. Bit of pace! Getting close! Pelorus bridge scenic reserve, we’re nearly there! Where are they, where are they? Crank her open, Matt! Go, go go! That’s where they’re coming out of, I can’t see them. They’re either here or they’re not. Please, please, please, please, please, I’m about to see. I don’t see any bikes! Did I win? I won! Oh my god! I got stuck behind so much traffic! Surely, surely, no! No! Did anything go wrong? It took like, five minutes to start my bike. Yeah, that happened. How long have you been here? Close to ten minutes I’d say. I absolutely smashed you guys, and I got stuck behind so much traffic. We didn’t get stuck behind anyone, Apart from some Hilux on the way in. But I got a pretty good run over the Whangamoas and I was just boosting. Yeah. Matt had a couple of close calls. A few, skiddy, skiddies. Lube your tire up they say. That would be why the front brake wasn’t working very well either. Oil just pissing all over your tire. The tire ignites! First of all, I want to have a look at the spot where they filmed The Hobbit. Just by the way, a scene of The Hobbit was filmed literally right here, come have a look. So right here is, literally where, Bilbo and the gang met up with Bard and headed off to Laketown. This is where they landed after all floating down the rider and, fighting with Orcs and doing all that, it really happened it was, about a thousand years ago, just here that happened. As you can see the place has deteriorated a bit, they’ve built a bridge across it, drawn some cool stuff on it. So, if the gold rush is to break out again, you know what mode of transport you’re using. Mercedes E Class. Now you know, and Sowman Films is famed for its public information like that, it’s compared to shows like Fair Go and One News. If you’re interested in learning more about either of the vehicles we used in today’s race, just head to, houstonmotors.co.nz and, you can learn about the Mercedes E Class, the new Mitsubishi Triton, unfortunately you can’t learn about the, Flogged old, KTM Freeride and CRF720X but, One of a kind that thing. The specs on those thing are kept secret for a reason, not a lot of them are legal. Some of it’s alien stuff, direct from Area 51. Flux capacitor in the old Honda. We don’t like to talk about that, so thank you very much for watching, and see you in the next one.

 

9 Responses

  1. Jase Gazzard

    November 8, 2019 8:49 am

    Hi ash I have to say the dirt bikes all the way if the 720 started then they would of smoked you haha awesome vid tho very cool

    Reply

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