Yes, there was a Donkey Kong movie. We’re in 1996, and already three years we deal with the Donkey Kong revival on Super NES, as the third Donkey Kong Country game is released on Super Nintendo. And that’s totally a hit, even for the kids without Super Nintendo as we’re already at the second Game Boy game based the license, which sell like hot cakes, still unbelievable as we know the Nintendo gorilla did stay in a closet for years, waiting to get a red tie and a new fellow by Rareware, in order to make Donkey Kong and his friends popular again. Result in only fours years, we get five different games and Donkey Kong came from basic video game bad guy to international superstar starring in movies and get now into the Big Leagues. Like, for example uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh .. France 2 ? (French public national television channel) Yup, don’t laugh guys.
Like most of ours “greatest” French actors, the career of our gorilla did start on television, as he get a real tv animator career, and not a small one, as it long for four years for Donky!
That’s not nothing for a video character, or even for a very keen kong. You get it ! “Keen Kong” ! The BIG monkey ! So in 1996, still rolling in Donkey Kong revival, start the new career of our gorilla and his friends, with “Planet Donkey Kong” broadcasted in the morning on France 2, sharing the cast with Mélanie, alias Mélanie Angelie, seen in many morning sitcoms like “The University’s Years” or “Love’s Holidays”. And even sang the intro with Donky, let’s hear a small excerpt. *Intro start* 🎵When it’s the gong 🎵 🎵Put your tong🎵 (flip flop) 🎵Do a bong🎵 🎵On the .. 🎵 🎵Plaaaaaaanet Donkey Kong🎵 Yeaaah ! Wait wait wait.
What ? 🎵When it’s the gong 🎵 🎵Put your tong🎵 🎵Do a BONG🎵 🎵On the .. 🎵 🎵Plaaaaaaanet Donkey Kong🎵 Yeaaah ! So the Planet of Donkey Kong, renamed a bit later DKTV -The Kong TV -Was a show which aimed to launch new shows for youths, right ?
And I remember that very very well ’cause first .. No way ! What the hell is that horrible design ? Of course it did traumatized me back when I was kid. But mainly thanks to that Weirdo Kong, I was able to watch tons of top notch cartoons that I still love nowadays, like Beetlejuice, Jumanji or Extreme Ghostbusters.
But aswell others shows I liked like Goosebumps, Weird Science, Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Even Stevens, and especially, The Secret World of Alex Mack. That I was certainly not secretly in love. Although, DKTV also was and mainly sketches, which like “Tiny dudes'” (French puppet show) were there to fill the blank between the others shows. And I can say that ours guys downright followed the intro advice to the letter. *Classic music start*
-The Count of Monte Strongo A French story Shot American style Starring “Arnold Dipardiou” -So we have the whole team well known by the Donkey Kong Country fans, with of course, Donkey but as well Diddy, Funky, .. Candy .. and .. Krushy ? And a bit like the “Tiny Dudes”, the team make a bunch of parodies to make young kid laugh, and mostly to joke others TV shows, cartoons, movies and even ads, which were released this time. *Royal Canin ad music start* That’s Royal Cuddle. Yup, that’s definitively Royal Cuddle. That’s Royal Cuddle. -Royal Cuddle. -Eh. So yep, it’s not really well written, and most of the time the joke fall flat. But sometimes the show score a hit with some really really good ones for the target audience. Meaning the children. *Dramatic music*
-Jean-Claude Truchet did not suspect to end up on a monstrous creature conceived by a mad brain. *Door open* *Math noises* A math teacher ! *DRAMATIC MUSIC INTENSIFY* Because yes, DKTV was a kid’s show broadcasted the Saturday in the morning, targeting the pre-teenage audience according to the show program. Unfortunately, some very goods jokes appart, we have to face that’s the kind of show that consider children to be dumb, and does exist only to make as many noises possible, to avoid kids switching TV channel . *Brain death noise* 🎵The song of the songs🎵 🎵Because we have to sing our songs 🎵 -Watch out ! You have some moles ! *Start crying* -Hey ! Stop crying ! -Hey ! Wooo wooo wooo wooooooo ! Stop ‘top ‘top ‘top ‘toooooop ! Too much noises, stop it stop it. Calm down ’cause I was too close to experience my very first audio epilepsy. Well ok.
So, in fact it look extremely cheap.
The mix between 3D animation and footages of real environment or simple shot pictures of theses, definitively not give a convincing result. We have to admit, this is extraordinarily ugly. And that’s nothing.
Just wait they enable the big head mod. -But the big surprise Denise, is if you call us at 08 36 08 36 .. -Oh ! Funny ! They also have the Cheat Code Bible ! -Hey hey hey !
The very Holy Fucking Bible, boy. -Well because in addition to have a questionable 3D, Donkey is what a holy pervert, with a tendency to flirt every living things he see, with his big fat raping maxi head. And the countless amount of fat shaming jokes, in particular a whole sketch glorifying harassing heavies kids at school. Proudly presented by our autours, certainly in lack of imagination. 🎵Don’t do this🎵
🎵Dont do that🎵 🎵Eating that much chocolate🎵 🎵At soccer🎵
🎵Just forget🎵 🎵We will take you for the ball🎵 -So, DKTV clearly aimed the teenager, at a specific hour, when the children were already wake up. And if you were watching the TV at this time, you surely been exposed to some graphic content like Donkey completely drunk, sexual acrobatic positions, and the official Donkey Kong underwear. Well ! I didn’t known yet how to spend my last Nintendo Club points ! In short, we wherever often close to the puerile and senseless show, frequently vulgar, despite I repeat, some dazzling jokes from the authors, which permit themselves to overpass some limit, even while working in the public television, to get a simple smile at their audience. -Pesky, the friendly ghost Soon on DKTV. -Yup ! And we could all play together ! -Friendly ? Yes. But such a lame. -Wai.. What !? -But such a lame. -Okayyyy .. And I know I’m gonna start to repeat myself but the 3D models looks very weird. I don’t know if it because Donkey walk on his two rear legs all the time, or because the show is fulfilled with cheap color swap and echo fighters for the next Smash Bros which are mainly bad retexturing, making everything close to disgusting. Again, that’s too bad, because with more ressources for the writing step, but mostly at the 3D, the show could have been a classic, at a time where we were not accustomed to see 3D at TV. And the same year where Toy Story revolutionized the computer animated in the film industry. And they even tried to “compete” with Toy Story. Let’s go … Donkey Kong the movie. Donkey Kong the movie ! Released on VHS during 1997, so one year after the premiere of the gorilla on TV. A VHS which promise a “1h20’s adventure computer animated”, a movie “on the cutting edge of technology” and a true Nintendo cast. And first surprise, that’s visibly a movie from the same studio behind DKTV However, that time, they could create their own environment for Donkey Island, this helping to get more consitent video. Especially less ugly, even if don’t know which one look better. Anyway one thing sure, this time we forget the parody gimmick with a movie more close to the Donkey Kong Country video games, thanks to the presence of Kranky Kong and even King K. Rool as the movie bad guy. Wow, look like it’s gonna be really shitty. Okay, so “Donkey Kong the movie” aka “Donkey Kong the legend of coconut crystal” Yup, not “crystal coconut”, it’s written like this. Narrate the Donkey’s adventures, the next King of Kongo Bongo Island. And I checked with a map, it seem to be close to the Uncanney Valley. So Donkey isn’t really keen to become king, but still in charge by Kranky to protect the crystal coconut, a legendary magical stone, which the legend has not been written by the screenwriters. *Funky lullaby start*
-He stole the coconut, bring it on the island.. Blah blah blah blah That rascal, crook, that dirty hypocrite, etc … -So Kranky explain that Donkey will know more when he’ll be as old as him, of course Donkey is super tilted to face much haughtiness, but mostly he would like to now everything right now, to save time. So he get the brilliant idea to ask for advice to the big legendary Inca statue. -Hey ! Inca dude ! -You coming ?
-And for what ? -It’s the time, I want answers ! *Funky psych up tribal music start* -N’ n’ no don’t tell me that there songs too ? 🎵-I want to know every single secret of the coconut🎵 🎵And all the hidden power it contain🎵 -Wooow wooow wow wait it’s horrific.
Nothing is right there, between the voice actor who clearly don’t know how to sing, and the Donkey Kong’s mouth full of teeth, that’s a big nope for me. Overall, the tune is really not inspired and the song is completely useless. He’s just saying that he’s the next king, and he has the right to ask anything he want. -He said to know everything, you have to be willing to give everything. INSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR -Finally to know everything, Donkey decide to give his most precious valuable, understand the crystal coconut. And in addition, to give that coconut to his sworn enemy, King K. Rool. Note that we’re at this state thanks to Diddy, who can’t keep his mouth shut. -Of course not, when the Inca said that, I bet he meant something a way more precious. The coconut ! For example ! -Of course ! *Some twelves seconds later* -No no ! Wait! I said that as a joke ! -Yup, that N64 game.
Hum … Diddy Kong Rascal. Well, now ours two genius head to the King K. Rool’s lair to give him the crystal coconut, that the named above apparently lust for years. This part allows to introduce Bebop and Rocksteady, the two functional grunts, but mainly to note that King K. Rool’s IQ is certainly not above the average, as he believe that’s a lure. First reaction, he send Scratch and Grounder give back the Crystal Coconut™ to Kranky, proving that K. Rool is a way more smarter than them. INSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR Meanwhile we meet up the pirates, looking for the crystal coconut as well, that apparently use to belong to the pirates’s ancestors. Then a tiny explaining song about the pirates being thug. *Uninspired song start*
🎵Long ago, we, proud pirates🎵
🎵Sailed the Sevens Seas🎵 -So yup but why did he sing like Renaud ?
(R̶e̶t̶i̶r̶e̶d̶ singer) *Copyrighted song start*
🎵Still alive🎵 Back to the Kong’s, Kranky -as expected- get mad seeing the Donkey’s howler, and demand them to get back at K. Rool’s in order to take back the stone. I remember you, which is still in the hands of Dick Dastardly & Muttley, gone give it back to Kranky. UNSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR The pirates land to Kranky’s, big brawl for nothing, as nobody got the stone. -Third song, themed about everyone meeting in the jungle without actually seeing each other. Donkey and pirates finally gets to the K. Rool’s lair, but of course, the coconut isn’t there. As the Crystal Coconut™ is still in the hands of Pinky and the Brain, and they did gets at Kranky’s to give them it back. Only to let Kranky and Diddy welcome them Kong’s style, meaning properly beat them up, and quickly get back what that Cow and Chicken, in fact, simply wanted to deliver. After that, Diddy decide to hide the crystal coconut in the case of Pirates and Co. would come to get it. No joking, he literally explain it speaking aloud. -“I have to hide the coconut where the pirates would never know to find it.” -Friendy ? Yes. -Then Kranky teleport himself, or materialize I don’t really know .. -What the hell you’re doing here dumbass !? -Just to tell Donkey that the pirates are coming. Finally everybody’s here, nobody get the stone as Diddy already take it to the Inca. -Brawl in front of the Inca,
Donkey can take back the coconut, and Diddy escape the Team Rocket, to safely get at Kranky’s. And we’re at .. 24 min since the beginning, on 90 for the whole movie.
So let’s gently speed up. Yep, that’s not over yet, it’s even super long after that.
After that, we forget the coconut, thanks to a smooth voice over transition. *Punchable voice ?*
-Some strange things suddenly happened on the island. -In order to switch on a magical amulet case that everyone is looking for. As usual, Diddy do some pranks. -That one is a really good prank! -But such a lame. -Fifth song.
Funky jump in, voice acted by Emmanuel Curtil. *French Jim Carrey voice*
-And the return of the karmic stick ! -Yellow tinted glasses. -Yetisport’s yeti’s here, King K. Rool do a binoculars with his fingers, Diddy Kong do prank. -Donkey Kong is a big coward.
Donkey Kong is ..
-Stop it ! -But such a lame. -They found the amulet. Voice over transition.
Banana phone. Then Donkey Kong literally became amnesic. Seveeeeenth sooooong. *P̶i̶r̶a̶t̶e̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶e̶d̶ song start*
🎵You came to rob me🎵
🎵*Unintelligible*🎵 -Hey I get it ! Les Wampas ! (French band) 🎵If the had the wallet of … Honestly after that, I can’t remember the movie well, there’s CatDog stuck fifteen minutes in shifting sands, Kranky is Cortana, Donkey get his memory back thanks to a functional character. Voice over transition, back to the coconut arc, there’s even the Super Baloo plane, Pirates and Co. plan to break into Kranky’s house, Diddy do a prank. -Say it ! I got you ! -Pirates appear to be in fact bailiffs. -I’ve pushed more miserable than you until suicide. -After one hour and twelve minutes, a brand new, never seen before character, named Buster Kong. The Kranky’s hut get redecorate itself.
Don’t you want one more song ? *T̶h̶e̶ N̶i̶g̶h̶t̶m̶a̶r̶e̶ B̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶ C̶h̶r̶i̶s̶t̶m̶a̶s̶ start* 🎵In the forbidden forest …🎵 -Woooo woooo woooo woo wo! Stop. I’m gonna stop there, first ’cause it’s intolerable. Intolerable as the writing is very poor.
In contrast to DKTV, there’s no second reading for the jokes. And the characters are always fighting each other or they’re completely overwhelmed, and that’s really frustrating as a spectator. However that Donkey Kong movie is in my opinion, the archetype for the dumb kid’s cartoon, very noisy, every time without sub meaning . And to be honest, with a as much colored and fun licence like Donkey Kong, that movie had a huge potential. And maybe with some more implicated screenwriters, we cold have asked for, lemme count for you : one, two, three, four, five different environments. While the DK’s games where fulfilled with creatives contents, speaking environment. Honestly, I would not sow that movie to my worst enemy’s kid. And that also for that reason that I’m gonna stop here. On the other hand, I also have to stop because I simply can’t go further, I owe you an explaination. How can I say it .. There’s a good and a bad news. UNSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR -Okay so the good news, is that’s not a real move. Yup, you heard me right. Donkey Kong the movie is not a movie. About the French voice cast completely different from the TV version, but also the story without any structure, some voice over “PowerPoint” part, or even the crazy amount of songs that interfere with the base story. Almost everything can be forgiven when you know the truth about Donkey Kong the movie. Simply four different episodes from a cartoon show. Yup, that’s the bad news, we have a whole show just like the movie, two seasons guys. Two seasons of 24 episodes of that completely annoying thing, which only the half where broadcasted at that time. Spectators were spared of the other half until their release in the 2000s, DVD release period in France. DVD with some gorgeouuuuuuus MK Double Dash and Jungle Beat on the covers, in this way, you think buy this. And you ended up with .. THAT Without telling you about the nice surprise to have two songs per episode, and the story let us hardly never see other place than Kongo Bongo Island. Island which seems to be isolated from the outer world, and where any neuronal growth is prohibited. Don’t mistaken me, I have nothing against childish or stupid character, I even like that, but don’t occult that for any Ninja Turtle with intellectual boundary, there’s always a April O’Neil to balance that.
But in a show like Donkey Kong Country, not a single character is designed to keep the level of he show above a certain level of foolishness, That’s even worst, as they often are dragging each other more deeper in the stupidity. So in one random episode, we an handle it, but with four together that’s really exhausting. But probably lucrative. Well, why bother trying to realize a real movie, when you can quickly tink something, using four episode from the show, with a similar plot, and a voice over to tell whats happening between the episodes. Allowing to release a VHS which is gonna be sold only based on the Donkey’s popularity at that time. And to be honest, that’s not a bad idea, that wasn’t even the first Donkey’s show ever done. Only if if the base show wasn’t without rhyme or reason, and especially, if this 90 minutes movie didn’t have nine songs because of this strange production process. So, before our conclusion, please realize that Donkey Kong the movie, does not logically exist. And do you wanna know something awesome ? Bill from the Bigdil ! Bigdil’s Bill is awesome !
(Bigdil is a French game show, broadcasted between 1998-2004) UNSTRUCTIONS UNCLEAR The best in this story, is that show and DKTV were born thanks to a huge technological prowess, and DKTV even get a French TV award for best youth’s TV show back in 1997 thanks to that. Okay, nowadays it’s super ugly even weird sometimes, but few know it, it was a real revolution at the time. If you let me two minutes, I can tell you a story a bit sad, but in the end I give a lil’ kissy. So guess we’re cool. In fact there’s that small SFX’s company, fully passionated and implicated : Videoystem. The kind of company we were not used to see in France back one the 80’s. And early 90’s, Alain Guiot, Videosystem’s boss create the little sister’s company, which is gonna be named Medialab, and quickly dedicated on a ambitious project, in collaboration with the really talented cartoonist, Mœbius. On which would have been the very first computer animated moie ever in the History : Starwatcher. A long before Toy Story, French, the very first computer animated movie, EVER. But sometimes, the fate is a total bitch. Back in 1992, self entrepreneur Alain Guiot died in a car accident, and his two company began orphaned. His brother fill for bankruptcy for Videosystem, and Medialab is saved on the edge by Canal+, and the first decision from André Rousselet will be to stop immediately the movie project Starwatcher, because according to him : “There is no future for the 3D movie genre.” -Hi ! My name’s Woody !
-Hi ! I am Lightning Buzz ! -In fact, Canal+ was a way more interested in the technology conceived for the movie, than the movie itself. A technology named K-racter, allowing thanks to a motion capture suit and a glove, to operate a numeric puppet like for the first numeric TV presenter, the famous Cleo from Cyber Flash, also the Insektors, a 3D Bugs Bunny, the weiners dudes (don’t ask why), and mainly, my first and only idol, Bigdil’s Bill! Told you he’s the best ! And so, like Bill, Donkey and his friends could have been animated thanks to the K-racter in real time, with two actors, one I the suit, acting the body, the other, with the glove, animating the labials, each finger bind to a specific expression for the face. The kind of exercise I believe to be really impressive, even if it did not be really accurate when used to animate a gorilla, supposed to walk on his four legs. That appart, including some others good ideas, like the two K. Rool’s grunts, later reused in the same way in Donkey Kong 64, that Donkey show was unfortunately -or fortunately- quickly forgotten, as much by Nintendo or by the spectators at the time. And that’s too bad, as the K-racter technology was clearly ahead of his time. As for their first intention, to make a full movie in 3D but mainly using that specific motion capture technology, to animate these numeric characters.
We would know later that ours Medialab frenchy were 3D technology pioneer. Of course, it an’t obvious if you look at the Donkey Kong Country Show, even less with the movie, and yet, everybody believed in it, including Nintendo, as that’s the Medialab’s Kong crew, who were used one the ad for the last Donkey Kong Country games. And yup, that’s probably not the best way to sell a video game. Too bad, Donkey Kong Country could have been a very profitable show, seeing the licence popularity and the demand coming from the spectators, at last, until an another show settle in place of Donkey Kong. Yess ! Thanks for watching ’til the end ! Don’t forget, Lil’ like, lil’ share ! That was the last for the season, so see you next September ! Enjoy your holidays ! Kisssssssssssss