A long time ago, I quickly asserted that the
Donkey Kong from the GameBoy version of Donkey Kong was actually Donkey Kong Jr. and the
father of the modern tie loving gorilla. I’d like to spend a little more time covering
specifically why this makes sense. What we know for sure is there have been 3 Donkey
Kongs. Cranky was the first and he and Wrinkly had a son of their own, who had a son of his
own. We also know the third DK was never a Donkey Kong Jr. as Yoshi’s Island 2 revealed
the infant Donkey Kong we know today. We also know Cranky Kong appeared in the arcade hits
Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. joined by his young son. He also likely was the one
who appeared in Donkey Kong 3 terrorizing Stanley.
Donkey Kong Junior has mostly been portrayed as having dark fur, versus Cranky usually
having reddish, mahogany fur and the third having brown. In the Game Boy Donkey Kong,
DK was portrayed as black, even on the Super Game Boy with the enhanced color. Other differences
include a moderate cowlick, something Donkey Kong Jr. was often portrayed with. This Donkey
Kong did bring a Donkey Kong Jr. with him and this will be very important to the larger
theory. We know the 3rd Donkey Kong has had an epic cowlick since his infancy. Perhaps
this Donkey Kong sharing traits between the other two is the missing generation; if it
isn’t, it begs the question of who and where the second Donkey Kong is.
Are you convinced this incarnation might just be the second Donkey Kong?
Well is there enough evidence to figure out how all of the Kongs are related?
I mean we Know Diddy is the third Donkey Kong’s best friend and nephew and that Dixie and
Tiny are sisters… wait Diddy is DK’s nephew? DK is a gorilla and Diddy is a monkey! But
wait, Dixie is also a monkey, but where is her tail and her sister is an ape… monkey
thing? How is this possible… wait… I’ve got it; there’s only one way to explain this.
Diddy is not Donkey Kong’s nephew, Dixie is his niece and he has a brother. This brother
is none other than Funky Kong, the Donkey Kong Jr. the second Donkey Kong brought with
him on the GameBoy, and these two brothers are feuding over the same girl! Dixie and
Tiny are indeed the children of Candy and Funky. Candy, Dixie and Tiny all have mixed
traits. Tiny and Candy have forward facing toes like humans and some monkeys, but Dixie
has split chimpanzee and gorilla toes like Diddy. This is very telling considering Diddy
is a chimpanzee with a tail. Chimps are apes and therefore do not have tails. The only
other primate these 4 resemble is the macaque, a monkey that can both have a tail and be
tailess. Assuming Dixie did not remove her tail for cosmetic purposes, this sounds plausible,
but has less traits in common with these apes. The other conclusion we can draw is that we
are dealing with a world where there is no ape-monkey distinction; these primates are
capable of breeding with any other primate and this has led to hybrids. Diddy is part
chimp and part monkey as is Candy and her daughters part gorilla and part chimp. This
also explains the difference in appearance between these two sisters. Dixie received
more chimpanzee genes than gorilla and Tiny received more gorilla genes. Adding more evidence
to this theory, Dixie and Tiny have two cousins who are clearly full gorillas. Kiddy and Reggie
Fils-Aime… erm… Chunky are brothers and Funky confirmed Kiddy is Dixie’s cousin and
before you say it was in an evolutionary sense, no; these Kongs are described as nephews,
uncles, brothers and sisters; when someone says cousins we can know it is literal. It
would be evil to use such terms and then uses cousins figuratively.
Now to complete this tree we must find out who is the father; Swanky is possible, he
could be a third brother, but it is hard to say given how scarcely he has appeared. He
does seem to have some interest in DK’s well being though. Let’s provisionally say he is
a brother and DK Jr. really was a real ladies… gorilla. Still Kiddy and Chunky are probably
DK’s kids. Swanky is much too busy to raise 2 children running his games hows, besides
he charges toddler Kiddy to play his games. What is a greater indicator is what Funky
says. Dk and Diddy had gone off to explore an uncharted continent. The first thing Funky
tells Dixie is that he was left Kiddy to babysit and then he asks Dixie to take him off his
hands. Assuming DK has two children, if he was going to be gone for an extended period
who would he leave his children with? His Cranky grandfather and narcoleptic grandmother,
his smarmy, traveling brother who runs gambling games, before packing up and moving elsewhere
when the authorities come to check the legality of it all or his surfer brother who would
rather chill than adventure? Why would Dixie accept the responsibility of babysitting?
Perhaps because she respects her father and knows Kiddy, the son of her uncle, is probably
still the greatest ally she has. Kiddy loves and idolizes his father and needs him. What
of Lanky? He’s been described similarly to Manky as a distant member of the family. Perhaps
Lanky is a Manky who has reconciled with DK. Oh, but we’ve forgotten about Diddy. If he
isn’t actually related to DK, then who is he? Well remember he’s been in a LTR with
Diddy’s niece. It wouldn’t be odd after awhile he would begin calling him his nephew expecting
the two to soon pair and Diddy to become his nephew-in-law, despite Chimps being bisexual
and not monogamous, gorilla’s are polygamous though, so DK may still expect them to pair.
What is most interesting is DK only considered Diddy to be his best friend until DK64 at
which point he and the other Kongs began considering him to be DK’s nephew. Perhaps they actually
did pair after Wrinkly’s death. By digging around the series mythos we can
find context and clues to figure these mysteries out and try to evaluate these fictional worlds
using the native rules of their universe, not apply real world physics and rules so
we can conclude things about the breasts of fictional women with clearly divergent physiologies
from our world. Does Donkey Kong and Mario’s universe allow for greater inter-species breeding?
It would certainly explain a lot.