Michael – Diane Morgan’s ghostly guy? Bob Mortimer’s campsite client? Lee Mack’s donkey do-gooder?

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Please welcome this week’s special guest, Michael. Right, we’ll start with Diane. What is Michael to you? This is Michael. I once punched him in the face, because I thought he was a ghost. Bob, how do you know Michael? This is Michael and after cutting his hair, I got a job on a campsite as a hairdresser. And finally, Lee, what’s your relationship with Michael? This is Michael. Together we helped free a donkey that had trapped itself in a cubicle of a seaside toilet. So, there we have it. Is Michael Diane’s ghostly guy? Bob’s campsite client? Or Lee’s donkey do-gooder? David’s team, where would you like to start? Um, well, Diane. Where were you when you mistook Michael for a ghost? I was backstage at the Theatre Royal, Bath. And what were you doing there? I was in a play. What happened? You were in the dark, waiting to go on in the wings? I was in the wings. In the wings, waiting to go on? And… I’d been told a ghost story about this… The Theatre Royal, Bath is haunted. Where was Michael? What was the story? Well, that the theatre was haunted. They said that about once a week, this ghost, a man with white hair would float around the theatre. So, you heard that story… I’m standing in the wings… Uh-huh. ..I turn round, and I see… Well, I know it’s Michael now, but at the time, I thought it was the ghost cos of the hair. And I sort of inadvertently punched him. And what was he wearing? He was wearing quite dark clothes, because he was, you know, working backstage. He looked like he was kneeling on some sort of prop, so he looked like he didn’t have any legs. That’s what made me think, “Oh, my God! It’s the ghost!” So, he had sort of sidled up and knelt on something? Yeah. I have to say, I have slightly less sympathy for Michael now I realise that what he did is he sort of crept up behind you and knelt there. That is slightly creepy behaviour, isn’t it? Yeah. Yeah. I did ask him why he was kneeling on the bookcase. I imagine that, at that point, he was also asking you why you hit him. Yeah. Which presumably… Did he answer you? Was he able to say why he was kneeling on there? Yeah, he said there weren’t any chairs backstage. All right, who next? Bob. You cut Michael’s hair and this was on a campsite. Yeah. How did you come to… Cos you’re not a hairdresser, are you? I’m a hairdresser, David. You had previously worked as a hairdresser, had you? I’m from a family, I’m the youngest of four boys, and in my family, tradition is that the eldest is a priest, then a lawyer… LAUGHTER ..then a teacher and then a hairdresser. So… So it fell to me to take up the scissors. I was given my first set of scissors when I was 13. I actually had a pair of scissors when I was younger than that. Were you the fourth child? No, no, it wasn’t… It was more for, you know, cutting out bits of coloured paper and… No, these, no, no, these were Japanese steels, these were Yasukis. Right, OK. So, you… you were given these hairdressing scissors at the age of 14. Yes. Had you undergone any further training or just were encouraged to experiment? Well, here’s the rub, because Michael, or Micky as he’s known, Micky the Drink, he’s… Why is he called Micky the Drink? Ah. Anyway, so, he was one of the first people that I ever gave a haircut to as a young boy, as one of my friends. And then fast forward to 1982, I go to the World Cup in Spain. There was Michael, Billy the Pigeon… Gentle Ken… Billy the Pigeon? Gentle Ken… Why’s he called Billy the Pigeon? Always finding his way home? No, he’s a pigeon. Because he had, like, a flat chest. We all went to Spain, we were on the campsite for the England fans. I, as always, gave Micky his haircut, and the one man army from Nottingham, the Nottingham Forest fan, who caused all the trouble out there, he demanded that he had a haircut. What trouble did he cause out there? Well, for example, he rushed to the cafe that we were in and threw a coin like that. Could’ve damaged anyone. Luckily, it went straight in the slot machine and won the jackpot. I’m just going on here, it was really a rather simple story. So, I cut Micky’s hair as I’ve done since he was 13… So you’d cut his hair regularly, you first did it when he was 13… When he was 13. ..and you were his regular hairdresser. No, that would be a lie, but I would always cut Micky’s hair. I was seen doing this, and before you knew I, over the course of the next ten days, I probably did 50 to 60 haircuts. And were you paid for these haircuts? I probably was, but in kind. Oh, no. The only thing any of these English fans could say was “Huevos solo,” and that got you an egg sandwich. And I seem to remember that people, cos I was cutting hair, it was always in the morning that someone would bring me… “Mate, you’re busy cutting hair, have a huevo solo.” So, you were paid in egg sandwiches? I think maybe I was. I don’t, I think… And you did 50 haircuts over, what, how many days? I think it was probably eight days. So you’re having 50 egg sandwiches over eight days? I mean, I’m interested in the haircuts themselves. Yeah. Was there a signature style? It was the early ’80s, were there mullets going on? I mean, what was the look? It was a feathered look I was expert at. Where I’m from, it’s called the foffer. You’ll probably think of it like Rod Stewart. Oh, it’s a lovely look. Layered at the bottom, yeah? Yes. Do you still cut hair now? Oh, not so much now, Rob. I… To be honest with you, I can’t… I can’t do the new cuts. Did you hear that? “I can’t do the new cuts.” I can’t do the new cuts, no. Right, what about Lee and the donkey? So, Lee, tell us your story. I was at the seaside. I went to… Whereabouts? Blackpool. When was this? This was last year, believe it or not. Last year… Only last year, since the last series and why it hasn’t cropped up so far. Fair enough, fair enough. On holiday or were you summer seasoning there? Summer seasoning? Doing a summer season? I’m not a juggler. They have comedians in Blackpool. Or were you giving a keynote speech at the Conservative Party Conference? All right, I was doing a summer season. No, I was just, I was on a little weekend break. I decided to take my family to Blackpool. What sort of loos are these? Public toilets on Blackpool seafront. So, you go into the loo… I go into the loo… Yeah, where’s…? ..to use the toilet. Where’s the donkey? The donkey is in the cubicle. The door was shut and I did that thing where I looked underneath, and I just saw two hooves. LAUGHTER I said, “Will you be long, mate?” Which way was the donkey? Which way? Which way in was he? He was actually facing outwards, so the bottom was stuck in the cubicle and the head was sticking out the front. So, he reversed in, did he? No, he didn’t reverse in, the toilet reversed up to him. Yes, he reversed in. OK. It turns out that someone had witnessed this happen. Yeah. He’d gone into the toilet… Who is this person who witnessed this happen? It was…some guy was in there. Some other guy, not Michael, and he goes, “I tell you what’s happened here, this donkey…” And what did he say? I walked straight over and I went, “Blimey. There’s a donkey stuck in the cubicle!” And the man told us, “This donkey has wandered in from the beach, “you know, where they do the donkey rides and then someone had used “the hand-dryer and he’s freaked, ran round, got disorientated “and then reversed into a cubicle.” At this point, Michael was in there, cos the other fella went out, he said, “I’m not dealing with that, I’ve got to go.” “I’m just the one that’s here to explain the scenario.” The guy said, “I’m not dealing with this, “I’ve just got a leopard out the sink. You can do this one.” So he goes out, and the donkey’s back end was literally stuck inside this, inside the cubicle. How did you get the donkey out? I pulled, I pulled the reins as hard as… He had reins. That’s why we knew he wasn’t a wild donkey, cos there are wild donkeys in Blackpool. I’m pulling on the reins like that, and Michael sort of tried to lean over the back, and he had his beach towel with him, and gently gave him a little… I wouldn’t say a whip, that would be hard, but enough to make him try and come forward. But it just didn’t work. We could not get this donkey out. Right. It died. LAUGHTER The hooves fell off. “Join us next week on…” Yeah, and… At least he was the right way in to use the loo. Yes, perhaps he was using the loo! That’s why he wouldn’t come out, he needed the loo. Yeah. I hadn’t thought of that. I say donkey, I mean fat bloke. I remember now, it was a fat bloke, and I wanted to use the toilet. I think he had one of those funny little Blackpool masks on of a donkey. It’s all coming back to me now. “You’re arrested!” I did three months in Parkhurst. That’s the end of the story. You did three months in Parkhurst since we last did the show? Actually it was the prison office. I’m here on day release. So, there we are. We need an answer. David’s team, is Michael Diane’s ghostly guy, Bob’s campsite client, or Lee’s donkey do-gooder? Well, what do you think? See, I first, when I heard Diane’s story, I thought that was a lie, and then I heard Bob’s story… And Lee’s story, and then suddenly, Diane’s story seems a little bit more real. Yes. I think it’s Bob. I think giving your man a haircut is the truth. 50 haircuts a week, paid in egg sandwiches? I don’t know that you can do that hairstyle with one pair of scissors. I’m from a family of hairdressers and I just don’t think you can do Rod Stewart with the one pair of scissors. She’s from a family of hairdressers. Did you have more than one pair of scissors? No. My response to that, Nadiya, is a family of not very good hairdressers. O-o-o-o-oh. Two sets of scissors? He looks round about Bob’s age. And Bob’s haircut. Yeah. DAVID: Can I just say, one final chance, he looks to me like a man who hangs around gentlemen’s toilets. I’m going with Diane. Yeah. You’re going with Diane, you’re set, then? David’s team are saying that it is Diane. Michael, would you please confirm your true identity. My name is Michael and Bob gave me a haircut at a campsite. We can actually see photographic evidence of Bob cutting Michael’s hair. There they are. Oh, my gosh. It really did happen. Thank you very much, Michael.

 

100 Responses

  1. Max Steel

    December 22, 2017 6:52 pm

    Word to the wise, CHOLESTEROL IS REAL, and if you eat egg sandwiches exclusively for weeks on end, you will not get to be as old as Bob is.

    Reply
  2. Andy Collier

    January 8, 2018 3:19 pm

    I wish he would have told the story about Mickey the Drink wading waist deep in human shit to find their van keys

    Reply
  3. nerdbot37

    January 21, 2018 2:37 am

    I love how Bob Mortimer always has the most ridiculous, improbable stories — and every one I've seen has been true!

    Reply
  4. Robert Shiel

    March 20, 2018 1:40 am

    Bob Mortimer is a legend. I love how he has observed life and remembers details and gives just a touch of embellishment but his true genius is that his spirit has brought him to situations and he has the smarts to share as he does. I can't help but smile whenever I see him, no matter how old the show, story or how often I hear it. I hope I meet him one day and get to share a few funny incidents. Life is brilliant and Bob is an absolute comic genius.

    Reply
  5. Anthony Hobson

    May 20, 2018 9:25 am

    Both Bob Mortimer and Diane Morgan will be in series 12!

    Also confirmed as returning (confirmed as in recorded an episode):
    Henning Wehn, Alex Jones, Jon Richardson, Olivia Colman, Rhod Gilbert, Jo Brand and Richard Osman

    Reply
  6. Madness by Design

    June 14, 2018 3:43 am

    I would love to listen to Bob Mortimer tell stories for a month. I don't care if they're true or not, he just kills me…

    Reply
  7. Blinkysaurus Rex

    June 20, 2018 1:20 pm

    When Bob says “…I am a hairdresser David.” He says it like it’s some kind of horrifying revelation. I love it.

    Reply
  8. James Todd

    July 31, 2018 10:34 pm

    I don’t think a woman would crack someone in the face at first instinct. And lees is a typical joke. Must be bob

    Reply
  9. Kishor Kafle

    August 16, 2018 2:51 pm

    While i didn’t get it at first, now when i see it, Bob calls him Mickey all the time while tale telling. So, he must have told truth.

    Reply
  10. Mark what

    August 18, 2018 5:08 am

    Diane Morgan must be pugnacious in real life. She always gets the fighting stories: broke up with someone for falling down the stairs,

    Reply
  11. Bitchute is better than Youtube

    October 16, 2018 12:25 pm

    It's so obviously Lee, it can't be anyone else.

    Edit: Wow what a surprise, his story was so solid and full of details and the other two were full of holes.

    Reply
  12. Nx Doyle

    January 7, 2019 10:11 am

    People have learned since then. The less likely Bob's stories sound, the more likely it is that they're true.

    Reply
  13. b dons

    February 3, 2019 4:51 am

    It's such a small thing given the story, but the way Bob looks at David and goes, "I've a hairdresser, David." kills me every time.

    Reply
  14. Anshul Kumawat

    February 11, 2019 11:21 pm

    He does his own dentistry, can tear an apple in half with bare hands, brewed beer with strangers , gave haircuts for egg sandwiches in Spain, I have said this before and will say it again, Bob Mortimer has lived a legendary life.

    Reply
  15. The Wickerman

    March 7, 2019 10:41 pm

    "These were your Japanese steels, these were your saki's". So funny. I love how Diane and Lee try to hold back their laughter. Bob is a genius storyteller on WILTY.

    Reply
  16. ☞ ♾️ 𝕋 𝕀 𝔻 𝔾 𝕐 ✓

    June 16, 2019 2:47 pm

    "I'm not a juggler"

    Wait I thought Lee had juggling lessons or was this clip before that clip 😂

    Reply
  17. Pete Finch

    June 17, 2019 4:42 pm

    I love Lee Mack. So quick and so funny. Him laughing at his own ridiculous story is comedy gold

    Reply
  18. Mick Killeen

    June 21, 2019 10:57 pm

    Bob is brilliant on this. Loved his fishing program as well. Great character. Not near enough of him on TV.

    Reply
  19. Lucas Rodríguez schwarzenberg

    July 3, 2019 2:23 pm

    Bob Mortimer kinda breaks this game. You can't expect to distinguish fact from fiction with stories like that.

    Reply
  20. Chris Lowe

    August 9, 2019 6:41 pm

    I couldn't imagine bob cutting hair, but man it actually happened….Typical bob humour there, you never know whether it's true or not….

    Reply
  21. radged press

    August 25, 2019 10:51 pm

    '…went straight in the machine and won the jackpot'. my brother went on a skiing holiday with school in the 80s. messing about in the bedroom late in the day, one of his friends threw a midget gem so hard it went straight thro the glass of the ice cold window, leaving a small hole the size of a bullet.

    Reply
  22. George Morris

    August 28, 2019 7:35 am

    And my response to that Nadiya is a family of not very good hairdressers 🤣🤣🤣🤣 GOLD

    Reply
  23. Keep ‘er’ lit No Fear

    August 28, 2019 11:06 am

    When the panel are laughing as hard as the audience you know your in company of a genius. Bob Mortimer is one of life’s gifts.

    Reply
  24. Samantha McGill

    September 2, 2019 2:55 pm

    Nadiya comes from a family of hairdressers and yet she stupidly covers her entire head with an oppressive, misogynistic hijab so we can't even see her hairstyle…

    Reply
  25. MICHAEL DUKES

    November 23, 2019 11:12 pm

    Bob has told so many stories featuring friends with the most hilarious, original or head-scratching names, but am I the only one dying to know if HE has any hilarious nicknames?

    Reply
  26. Gabriel Garcia

    December 7, 2019 2:57 am

    Diane's and Lee's face at about 3:25 is so telling as to how much they just love watching Bob do what he does. Especially when Diane is usually trying to stay dead pan

    Reply
  27. Proglove85

    December 20, 2019 7:34 pm

    3:27, Lee Mack trying to figure out if Bob Mortimer is telling a fact or making up the name of a Japanese scissor company on the spot.

    For the umpteenth time…

    Reply
  28. Pambudi Wardhani

    December 24, 2019 3:53 am

    3:25 when Bob started to talk about Japanese brands/products, the stories must be true. Also, I'm swooning over how Lee Mack's looking at Bob. So endearing. 🤣

    Reply
  29. Alba

    February 10, 2020 10:31 pm

    Mickey the Drink xD Bob's was a cute hairdresser that got paid in kind? xD I can't…Lee's story had me in tears xD

    Reply
  30. Bartłomiej Kumor

    February 21, 2020 2:46 pm

    I love how Lee has his own story to defend, but he's so into Bob's tale he obviously tries to find out if it's true or not himself.

    Reply

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