You wanna try runnin’ that by me again? Ugh, now what about this ain’t ya gettin’? What I ain’t gettin’ is the thought process
behind that brain of yours! Were you even thinkin’?! Of course I was thinkin’! Then why the hell would you let
Apple experiment on ya? Ah, come on, big brother,
ya’ll want our contract to go through or not? I do, but there are times when you just gotta say no! Oh, you’re one to talk, Mr. Too Wrecked to Work! Who woulda guessed Cheerielee was so kinky? Dammit, Applejack, this ain’t a joke! Letting somepony abuse your body ain’t the same as letting them abuse your mind! And frankly, I don’t need a lecture
from the runt of the family. I ain’t no runt!
Apple Bloom ain’t even got her cutie mark yet! Sorry. First of all, she’s twice as big as you were at her age, and secondly, Apple Bloom is special. She ain’t gonna be damned to
a life of farming like you and I. And as soon as we stop hindering her and let her get out on her own, not only will she earn her cutie mark, but I bet she’ll be the best at her callin’ there ever was. It’s a shame she’s too young to help me instead… What the hell does that mean? Face it, Applejack. I love you ‘n all, but you’re not any good at what we do. You and I both know that I’m just gonna end up doing most of harverstin’ myself, injury or not. You son of a bitch! I can pull my weight just as well as you can! Why, I’ll… *groan* I’ll harvest the whole orchard, all by myself! Why are you yellin’? Because I can’t hear myself think over this damn music! What music? Never mind! The point is, I’m gonna get these here apples harvested without your help by next week, or my name ain’t Applejack Felicity Smith! Whatever you say. I’m willing to see how this plays out. Yeah, I can do this, no sweat… *gulp* *opening theme* Alright, you’re hearing music. Just music, that’s all! Music that you can’t control… Music that won’t stop playing… Music that you’re not gonna let drive ya insane! *rumble* Ow! Damn it… *fwoot* They’re back! *cows ramble* Everyone, get off the streets! Everypony calm down! We will not sit idly by while
these cretins muscle us out of our home! They’re stronger than us and impervious to magic! That may be so! And!? And what? That may be so, but? But what? Oh my God. Check it out! Yeehaw! *cheering* Let’s do this! *barks* Stop right there, cows! Hey! Do I look like I’m playin’? *whistles* Winona! *jumping* Ha-ha! Gotcha! *grunting* *grunting* How d’ya like that, you bovine mother fuckers? *cheering* Whoa! Well, well, well. Seems what we’ve got here is a failure to communicate. One of you shit stains wanna try explaining
what y’all were doing off the reservation? You pony fucks won’t keep us down forever! And after all that trouble we went through
to build y’all a nice area to live, this is the thanks we get? This land was our home,
long before you cocksuckers settled here! Before your God forsaken princess stole it from us! Well, now it’s ours, and I’m running the show here. Now get on back to your homes. Pray hard enough and maybe
I’ll go easy on your revolution startin’ hides. One day you’ll pay. This land will run red with pony blood! But tonight it’ll be stained with yours. Go fuck yourself! *cheering* Cattle threat neutralized! Yeehaw! There goes a true Equestrian hero! Applejack is always so good about
keeping those cow monsters in line, and whipping the piss out of their rebellion leaders! We should give her an award
or something for her efforts. Perhaps I should organize a town meeting? We all ready? Just one last thing! Sweet. You Ponyville hicks sure know
how to throw some kick ass block parties. *sigh* It’s basically all we do. Is Whatshername here yet? Actually, I haven’t seen her all week. Not since the attack. I know she’ll be here though! She’s probably just busy
keeping those stupid bovine in line. *crowd chatter* My future subjects! While this gathering is being held primarily in honor of Applejack, it is still a town meeting, and we will be addressing issues
brought up by the community. First off, I am still having problems
with intruders invading my home! Now, I’ve put together a 4 step plan that I think- Twilight Sparkle. Like the council told you last time, it is not your home. It is the town library, and the townsfolk
have every right to be there during visiting hours. That’s bullshit! President Celestia said you guys
have to accommodate me! Yes, we are required to accommodate you. Not cater to your every whim. The Golden Oak was a library
long before you came here and it will remain as such during and after
your banishment to Ponyville. That’s not fair! It’s completely fair! The citizens of Ponyville aren’t going to suffer
while you’re being punished! And as far as I’m concerned from 9:30 AM to 8 PM
the library is still a library! If somepony comes in without your permission
before or after those hours then, and only then,
may you call the authorities on them! Do you understand? But, my home… It’s not your home! Just… Okay. I’m sure somewhere in here I’ve got a great reason why- -Twilight Sparkle, get off my stage!
-Or what? Or you will be forcefully removed from the meeting. You can’t remove me! Try me. Fuck this! *ahem* And so, without further ado, it is my privilege to give the Prize Pony of Ponyville Award to our glorious protector, a pony who has protected us
from the bovine threat countless times! A pony with unwavering courage, tenacity,
and hatred for all things cattle. Applejack! *cheers* *laughs* Excuse me just a moment. -Oh shit.
-A word, please. Shut up, Spike. *coughs* Ma’am? You let me go on and she’s not even here? You let me make a fool out of myself
in front of everyone! But Mayor, I didn’t- Shut up. Don’t fucking talk. And don’t fuckin’ look at me, look at the ground! You’re fired. Fired! God, I thought after the Nightmare Moon incident things would be fixed. *crying* Hold on, I’m here, don’t… Just… *yawn* I’m comin’, I’m on my way. Hey, you stepped on my kid! Bitch, you can see I’m walking, get outta the fuckin’ way! Okay. Well, uh, thanks, I guess, for upholding you and your town’s
ass backward ways of oppression or whatever. *yawn* Yeah I like beating the cows *yawn* and stuff. *snoring* Uh, yeah, so, thanks. That was weird. What the hell’s her problem? -Huh?
-What? Applejack’s fine, dear! What the hell are you talking about? I barely have a reason to care and
even I noticed something’s wrong! Twilight, AJ’s a grown mare. Even if there is something wrong she can take care of it! Well, this looks about how I imagined Apple’s working.. We’re kicking off another 6 hour,
commercial free rock block with Nirvana’s “Drain You”. -So stay tuned!
-Ah, kick ass! -This is Applejack radio! All in Applejack’s head,
-*yawns*, I love this song… *snores* -All the time!
-Maybe she is okay? -One baby to another says
-Eh, maybe not. I’m lucky to have met you. Hey, Applejack! *snores* Sleeping loser says what!? Wake up, Asshole Jack! God dammit. Applejack! Howdy, Twilight! So, are you alright? Oh yeah. Why? It’s just, the girls were concerned… That’s weird, doesn’t sound like the gals I know. Okay, I was concerned. Really? Why? I don’t know! You’re acting strange… How the hell would you know?
You barely even talk to me. Because only an idiot wouldn’t see that
there’s something going on with you! That still doesn’t answer
why you of all ponies would care. From what I understand, you don’t even like me. Yeah, I don’t, shut up! I just don’t want one of my henchponies hurt if we need
to take care of some business, that’s all! Why don’t you take a page from the other girls’ books
and worry about yourself. We all have our own little hiccups
and stumbles from time to time and it’s up to us to take care of them ourselves. Like when one of Fluttershy’s animals dies, or Dash’s coke problem. Rainbow does cocaine!? When she was in the Wonderbolts
I’m pretty sure it was a regular thing for her. But you know what? We all left her alone and eventually
she worked it out by herself! But that’s not a good way to deal with things! What the hell is wrong with you ponies?! Oh, like you have any room to talk. You’re always abusing Spike,
and I ain’t once ever called protective services on ya. Motherfucker, I’ve never abused Spike! Well, you and him talk about it a lot,
for it to have never happened. I can explain that. Mhm. No, I can! Check it out… Okay, once upon a time,
Mistress Celestia gave me a little brother, Spike. Things were pretty great for a little while. Until one day it came to my attention that
he had become an ornery little shit! This went on for many, many years. Until one day we found that we had
exhausted all means of pissing each other off. You’re talking an awful lot about yourself for somepony
that came here wanting to help me. Applejack, don’t interrupt! Like I was saying, we were running out of ways
to push each other’s buttons. Until one day I had an epiphany! Spike hates being ignored! That’s when I came up with the ingenious idea
to pretend he spoke other language! It was awesome! I never stopped pretending not to understand him,
especially around other ponies! Things were great, but then he started acting like
I was a big mean sister! Like I beat him up on a regular basis or something! That little bastard knows
I would never do anything to hurt him intentionally. So now I didn’t know what to do! Eventually I decided there’s no way
I’m gonna let him have this! So I started acting like the cruel mare he wanted! I started referring to him as my slave
and threatening him and all that junk. As time went on, our little stand off grew and grew,
until eventually, it became what you see now! Aren’t you guys worried that if
y’all keep playing this stupid game of yours, one day DHS or someone will intervene
and take him back to… Your parents, I guess? Who does he even belong to? Applejack, please,
I’ve already accepted that as an inevitability! Then why don’t y’all grow up and knock it off? And let him win? Screw that! I’ll stop when he does! Now stop trying to make this about me!
This is about you! I don’t know what’s wrong with you,
but you clearly can’t handle whatever it is on your own. There ain’t nothing wrong with me! And even if there was, you’re the last mare
I’d come to for help, Twilight Sparkle! So why don’t you leave me alone? Fine, I will. Thank you! Now, if you need my help with one of your schemes,
then you can bother me. Until then, get lost. There you are! *yawn* Sorry, I was talking to Twilight and she started talking about
beating up Spike or something? I don’t remember,
somehow the scene ran longer than it normally does, then I had less time then I thought
I did and all of a sudden I was late. Now what are ya needing help with? See that contraption? Yep? Did you build that? Duh, dude. What, you think those are in high demand or something? So, got a lot of free time since
you’re not in the Wonderbolts? Shut up, it’s not my fault
weather patrol takes literally seconds to do! As someone that now works a government job I can assure you that our tax bits
are completely fucking wasted. Yippee.
That’s always a pleasure to hear. Anyways, I’m gonna stand on that platform, then you’re gonna jump down on the other end. Launching me into the air faster than
I can take off on my own! I think.
I’m not positive. But maybe I’ll be able to use that to think up
some new tricks! I’m not gonna lie, Dash.
That’s fuckin’ stupid. You’re stupid! Just get to jumpin’! Well, alrighty then. Oh, hold on. Won’t jumping from a two-storey platform hurt me? C’mon! Don’t be a bitch, bitch! I ain’t no bitch! Oof! That was close! Try again! Ah! Ugh! Eh! Applejack, dude, you suck at this! I’m just gonna go get Pinkie Pie. No! I got a better idea! *grunts* Ta-da! Now, here comes the good part! Oof! Oh… I suck? You couldn’t even take a 5 foot fall, ya pud! Get ready, bitch! Wait! I’m sorry! Yeah, let’s see how you like falling on your ass. *kablam!* Well. You’re here early. Wha- *coughs* Sorry, I thought I fell asleep again. Twilight, please… I’m in a lot of pain… I think my ribs are broken… Sweet! Never fear Dash, I’ll take care of you! No, you need to take me to the hospital… Well, you’re no fun… Applejack, there you are! Well look who came crawling back! Ready to apologize? No, I’m not- *groans* Because of you, Rainbow has five broken ribs
and a pierced lung! Me?
I never laid a hoof on her! That’s not what I mean! That stupid machine you helped her with yesterday! You got her seriously injured! She was the one that built it!
She’s hurt is because she’s dumb!” I’m not gonna deny that she’s dumb,
but if you had been in your right mind, you never would have helped her
and this wouldn’t have happened! It’s your fault! That’s retarded! I ain’t no foal sitter. It ain’t my responsibility to keep her safe. Dash and I were talking yesterday and I mentioned that I had talked to you while
you were harvesting the day before, and she said that that was unheard of! Normally you’re in charge of chores
and making bootleg Apple products. Listen here, Sparkle! You better stop talking about any of “those” products,
“allegedly” made here and mind your own fuckin’ business! Oh my God, is that it? Are you finally getting sued by Apple?! Get lost, Twilight! You’ve worn out your welcome quite enough for one- Ow! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go help Pinkie Pie. *sighs* Alright, sweetie, this is your last chance before we leave. You’re absolutely positive
you don’t want us to help you with your CPE bake sale? No, Ma’am! You guys enjoy your afternoon off! I’ve got Applejack here to help me out! Yeah… Eh… Pinkie Pie, what’s wrong with your friend? Nothing, dad! She just talks funny because
she’s a member of the Apple family! Okay, that’s not what I meant, but alright… You know honey, this bake thingy is a, eh… Big responsibility and, um… We’re not going to be mad
if you want to take all the credit and, uh… Not associate Sugar Cube Corner with it… Carrot! What your father means, is
we’re very proud of you, Pinkie, and we know you’ll do an excellent job. And you are feeling okay, right, Applejack? Oh yeah, I’m fine, I think. I got stuck on some weird bubble gum pop station and now I’m not really sure if I’m sick with rage or about to pass out from joy. Honestly, I guess I don’t know how I feel. Uh-huh? Alright. See you later, girls! We are going to have a blast! Alrighty! I’ll get the sugar and the eggs. Um, can you get me some chocolate chips? Eh, what was that? SomeBODY once told me… Ah! Next song! Oh, I am in no condition for this shit. Maybe if I just give her random ingredients
she’ll realize that and let me leave… How bout we add in some pop too? Sounds good! Really? Are you even listening? A cup of flour. I’ll take that as a no… How about some lemon juice instead? That doing anything for ya? One last thing, wheat germ. *groan* Jesus. Alright, I’ll put in something you can’t ignore! *gags* Now that’s gonna be delicious. Pinkie, I put worms in there! Pinkie?
Do you have ADHD or something? Look at the bowl, Pinkie! Pay attention! Jesus muffin spectacular! *Various noises of desire* Don’t eat the muffins!
I put worms in em! *laughter* You let Apple experiment on you?! What? No! How’d ya know? I just finished talking to your brother! God dammit, just once I wish
he could keep his big mouth shut! What did they do to you? Nothing I can’t handle! Not that it’s any of your concern, Twilight. It is my concern! You know why? Twelve. Twelve ponies, including Pinkie, hospitalized after eating those muffins
you helped her bake! And I care why? You don’t care, that’s the problem! Pinkie Pie told me that looking back, now she thinks that you tampered with
the recipe on purpose! Well, I guess some part of her brain
was paying attention then. So you admit it! What did Apple do to you that
would make you want to intentionally hurt your friend? You wanna know so bad? Fine! I agreed to help test a new product of theirs that allows you to listen to your music
completely hoofs-free. It’s a little chip and it’s like a iPod in your head. It even scans your brain waves
and finds new music for you! Plus it can pick music based off of your mood and taste and all sorts of stuff. Only problem is they’ve gotta beta test
it pretty extensively, which means there’s a lot of data they need to gather. It’s not functioning completely
the way it’s supposed to yet, and that’s what I’m here to help them with. Why would you volunteer for this? ‘Cause I don’t have a choice, okay? You were right, Twilight, we shouldn’t have
been selling bootleg Apple products. They found out and
they came to me with a huge lawsuit. Granny, Big Mac, Apple Bloom,
they don’t even know about it. All they know is that
I agreed to be Apple’s dummy for a month. It was either that or lose our home. Why would you not tell them? I’m a grown mare, Twilight. This ain’t nothing I can’t handle on my own. And they don’t need to be worrying anyways. It was my decision to sell things that don’t belong to me and now I’m gonna have to be the one to make it better. And hey, once this is over, they’re even gonna license our farm to sale their stuff. It’s win-win. Big Mac also told me that you said
you’d harvest all of these fields because he was injured. You guys aren’t on a schedule or anything, why would you make a bet with him,
in the middle of all this?! You just don’t understand. Of course I don’t fucking understand! Explain it! I’ve gotta do this, Twilight. That’s it. It ain’t nothing I can’t handle! Harvesting an ungodly amount of apples? Nothing to it. Enduring a month of nonstop music
that seems to get a bit louder every day? Piece of cake. Alright, fine, you have no choice, I’ll give you that. But at least let me take a look at it! Maybe I can find a way to make it easier on you? I bet I could turn down the volume. Or maybe I could mute it? That’d be perfect! They’d get their data, and if it wasn’t right, they’d just chock it up to the machine
being in the experimental phase. We turn the volume back up right
before they come back to get it and boom! They’ll never even know I touched it! How’s that sound? I ain’t gonna cheat the system! This is my mess and I’m gonna take care of it! Listen here, I won’t suffer, be broken, get tired, or wasted… Surrender to nothing or give up what I… Applejack! You’re not even talking to me! You’re just saying what you’re hearing! This experiment is clearly taking a toll on you! Just think about what you did to Dash and Pinkie,
your friends! It’s not like you to be so mean. Like you have any right to call me mean. Ever since you’ve come to town all you’ve done
is be an unpleasant bitch to everypony around you. Jesus Christ, I’m trying to help you! What the fuck is your problem? My problem is you’re here riding my ass
like you have any room to fucking speak, and all I’m trying to do is provide for my fuckin’ family. Something you clearly no nothing about! Oh, don’t try and act like
you give a damn about anypony but yourself! I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish right now, but I do know that you don’t give a shit about me, or Pinkie Pie, or Rainbow Dash, or Rarity and Fluttershy. -That’s not true!
-Really? Because we’ve tried to be friendly with you! For three months we’ve tried to be kind to you, and the only time you ever even interact with us is when you’ve got some stupid plan you need our help with that almost always only benefits you! You guys never even invite me to go do stuff with you! The invitation was always open! Maybe if you’d pull your head out of your
ass and stop by to chat every once in a while, you would have realized that! I didn’t know… Well, it doesn’t matter now! Because I’m starting to think that maybe
trying to befriend you was a mistake in the first place! Now, why don’t you get the hell off my farm, go back to your library and brood until your banishment is over,
you socially retarded freak. You’re an asshole. I hope that machine rots your fucking brain. My last talk with Twilight was three days ago. Since then I begged, pleaded, bargained, hoped for a sign that what she said wasn’t true. Waited for something, anything to reassure me that
I was still in control of the situation. Then, earlier today, Fluttershy came to me for help. She wanted me to help her gather up her bunnies
so she could take a new population census. An easy task, one that I’ve helped her with before. But, I don’t know happened… I guess I was irritable, it was so hard to think… I couldn’t even help her wrangle a few measly rabbits. I don’t know what’s wrong with me… I feel like I’m losing my mind. Like there’s a gnawing,
relentless ache in my brain and it won’t go away. It hasn’t even been two weeks yet,
I don’t know what to do! I keep hoping that something is gonna come to me,
but nothing’s happening. I can’t keep going like this! I just want it to stop… I have an idea, a way to make the pain go away. A solution. A solution I think could work, but it doesn’t seem right… But I don’t know what else to do. This is the only thing that makes sense… This next song is requested by Applejack’s brain, with the message:
Don’t do it, you’ve got so much to live for. Alright. Alright, Applejack, enough is enough! I have had it with… Oh my God! Twilight! What are you doing here? Applejack, Applejack, it’s alright! Everything is gonna be alright,
just put that down and come here… I don’t know what to do, Twilight! I can’t get it out of my head and I don’t know what to do! So you’re gonna kill yourself!? I don’t know what to do! Then let me help you, you fucking psycho! I still don’t understand, why do you want to help me? Because I like you, you dumb hick! Is that what you need to hear? I like you. I like you and I like the rest of the girls too! You’re just saying that… No! Okay, maybe I did just see you guys
as tools when I first moved here, but since then I really felt like
I’ve gotten to know you guys. I know that doesn’t seem possible to you, because all we’ve done together is kooky schemes, but I don’t know. I’m sorry I haven’t hung out with you guys more. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never had friends before. I don’t really know what
I’m supposed to do with you guys. And the only reason I’m being so open
and telling you this is so you’ll be honest with me
and admit that you need help! Fine. I need help… Not like that! It’s not supposed to be a punishment, it’s supposed to make you feel better! It’s not healthy to keep this shit bottled up. If you say it, I promise you’ll feel better! Alright… I can’t handle this on my own. I can’t handle having this machine in my head and I can’t handle harvesting all these apples! I need somepony to help me with it. And that’s alright! There’s nothing wrong with needing help! Yeah. There’s nothing wrong with it. See? Now don’t you feel better?! Yeah. You know what? I actually kinda do. Fuck, what was I thinking? You weren’t! You couldn’t! This ain’t a solution, this would have only made things worse! You see how upset I got! Just imagine how
the rest of the girls would have felt or your family! I’m sorry I called you a freak. And I’m sorry for trying to drop you off that cliff. It’s okay. I’m sorry I called you a hick all those… Wait, cliff? Are you telling me you didn’t know
Rainbow and Fluttershy were gonna catch me?! I’m pretty sure somewhere deep down
I knew that they would! I just wasn’t positive… You bitch! Ugh, whatever. I guess we’re even now. Let’s go take a look at this thing. I’m also sorry about trying to
feed you them poison apples… Goddammit, I forgot about that!