The Ultimate Horse Vid Compilation – Tosh.0


I’d like to commit a little
bestiality with this next filly. I’m not so sure this isn’t
some rich guy’s creative use of a hooker. If she breaks a nail, I think
you’re allowed to shoot her. Unfortunately she didn’t
make the cut for the Tosh.0 Preakness. Out of the gates fast,
it’s Phony Antoinette, followed by Jim Secretary,
and Something Racist. Jim in hot pursuit
of Phony Antoinette. Secretary and Something Racist
neck and neck for last. Phony Antoinette
improves on his lead. Oh, the jockey goes down
as Phony Antoinette crosses the finish line. The jockey on Something Racist
looks huge. Phony Antoinette gets the roses
and the jockey gets the milk, and that’s all from here. Yes, there were boys
riding our naked bodies, but we were pretending
to be horses and horses don’t wear pants. These telenovelas are getting
goddamn ridiculous. What a sexy equestrian. The scenery,
the Spanish narration, it’s all very romantic. This may be the most
beautiful video I’ve ever seen. I know, it’s not Peyton Manning getting limber
in the off-season. That’s a horse doing yoga. If that filly really wants
a great ass, she should do horse Pilates. All the exercise in the world
won’t help that face. Don’t forget
to point your hooves. It beats getting whipped
for three miles at the Kentucky Derby. My yoga instructor
almost never kisses me. Just dip your junk
in salt already. I’d like to place a $10 exacta
that the jockey finishes first. And they’re off to screw
in the stables. That’s how he became
the horse fisterer. And before three of you tell me
you already saw this video on At Midnight, know that
I found out about it after it was too late
to make a change. Maybe I should watch
the show more, I do. I like to play along at home. As soon as anyone yells
“Points,” I turn off my TV. And for that,
we say Namas-neigh. Looks like the tooth fairy will be making
an unexpected visit tonight. Oh, it’s hard to walk it off when you haven’t
learned to walk. It’s okay, a kid’s head
can be shaped back around the first two years. Bad news guys,
her parents had no choice. They had to put
that rocking horse down. It’s on her. Who goes horseback
riding in their jammies? Finally, an equestrian event
for poor girls whose parents can’t afford
to buy them a horse, but can afford broom handles.
Yes, this is a real thing. My only problem is
you can’t gamble on it. That’s why I created
my office’s annual Triple Kentucky Hobby
Horse Derby Preakness Stakes at Belmont
Crown. We’re still working
on that title. It’s that time of the year
again, folks. Lots of people placing bets
and the stakes are high. In post position one,
we’ve got Gay For Pay at 5-1 odds. In post position two,
Stupid Mother(bleep), a huge long shot at 75-1. Anderson Pooper in post pos
three, a very clear favor today. Mrs. Hands in post position
four at 10-1. Post position five is
In The Lead at 3-1. And rounding out the feel
in post position six is That Feeling You Get When
You Can’t Remember If You Locked
Your Front Door at 20-1. Here’s a good sign. That Feeling
You Get When You Can’t Remember If You Locked Your Front Door
just pooped on the track. The jockey seems to be
having a hard time getting In The Lead to calm down
in the starting gate. Betting is officially closed and
we’re ready to start the race. In The Lead is down
and out of the race. Anderson Pooper is doing
what Anderson Pooper does best,
taking an early lead. Stupid Mother
(bleep) is well off the lead thanks to the extra
200 pounds of iron this morning. The real race is for second
and third, ladies and gentlemen. That Feeling You Get When
You Can’t Remember If You Locked Your Front Door
tried to get by, but Gay For Pay staying strong.
That Feeling You Get When You Can’t Remember
If You Locked Your Front Door. No, Gay
For Pay. Gay For Pay
is really hugging the rail. But here we go, coming around
the turn and down the stretch, and yes, he’s done it.
Anderson Pooper for the win. Gay For Pay squeaks out second,
followed by That Feeling You Get When
You Can’t Remember If You Locked Your
Front Door for third, Stupid Mother(bleep), Mrs.
Hands, and In The Lead finishing up last
with a snap stick. What an amazing day
on the track. Not since an orphanage
in the 40s have I seen
so many depressing stick toys. Me and my friends at PETA won’t stop until every animal
is a stick animal.


37 Responses

  1. Mafia Weapons Guy

    May 4, 2019 10:37 pm

    So much cringe. So much… i don't know. My brain has so many questions and i refuse to find an answer i don't want to know i wish i have never seen this.

  2. Facts First

    May 5, 2019 3:14 am

    So this is what liberals watch in between bashing Trump for making America great. Fascinating.

  3. Some Thing

    September 14, 2019 2:06 pm

    Is mrs.hands in the last video a play on mr. hands? That dude dying to a horse dick in the ass back in the day? Gold if it is.

  4. UberLummox

    October 23, 2019 3:52 am

    Damn this is good. Anderson Poopers pimp trot too much!
    The only thing funnier is reading the comments from uptight conservatives!

  5. Tosh.0

    February 21, 2020 9:42 pm

    Want more Tosh.0? Head on over & subscribe to the new official Tosh.0 channel:


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